Stop blaming
your moon
sign.

A brutally specific roast built from your natal chart: planets, houses, aspects, and the patterns you keep calling personality.

Scroll for the evidence
Your therapist is
too nice.
Co-star is
too vague.
The cosmos is
neither.
You're a Capricorn in a Hawaiian shirt.
Ollie, Aquarius Stellium
A spreadsheet that has feelings about its own formatting.
Charlotte, Triple Virgo
Your internal editor has an internal editor.
Ollie, Aquarius Stellium
You're a Leo trapped in a Virgo filing cabinet.
Charlotte, Triple Virgo
Two people stacked in a trench coat — and the scary one got the outside.
Sage, Scorpio Rising
You don't fight often. But when you do, you fight like a surgeon.
Charlotte, Triple Virgo
Mercury in Scorpio doesn't make small talk. It makes incisions.
Sage, Scorpio Rising
The emotional equivalent of a nuclear reactor — and the control room is in the basement with the lights off.
Ollie, Aquarius Stellium
The 12th-house Venus is writing poetry. Mars is guarding the notebook with a sword.
Sage, Scorpio Rising
You're not the assistant. You're the whole operation.
Charlotte, Triple Virgo

Enter the
Archive

Add your birth details and we'll calculate the chart before writing the roast. Exact time gives sharper houses and rising sign. A guess still works; the universe will know.

Don't know your birth time? Leave it blank or text the person who kept the records. Either answer says something.